Self Help Steps

There are many things that I can do well in life. (I am, in actuality, One-thirty-second of whatever you want me to be.) However, there is one skill, one power if you will, that rivals most superheroes for top dog. I have a tendency to destroy things. I obliterate opportunity, retard relationships, waylay women, and misuse money. Sure, I do not have claws, fancy gadgets, x-ray vision, super human strength, or the ability to charge objects with enough energy to make them explode, but I get the job done. I do it well.

Some call it a self-deprecating outlook. Some simply call it a fiasco. You could call it cheap entertainment for my group of friends. I call it my very own 4-step process. 4 Steps to Change Your Life.

So, if you want this power I possess, if you really want to know how I do it all, simply follow these four little steps:

Step One to helping your life slip into utter chaos is possibly the easiest. You either got it or you don’t. Here it is: Attract women who are intrinsically psycho. We are not talking “my girlfriend has PMS and her moods are swinging” type psycho here. We are talking something much, much more. Jealousy, character flaws, ex boyfriends the size of houses, multiple personalities, Natural Born Killer types if you will. Bring them on. This is my type of gal. We’ll fuck. We’ll date. We will end things violently and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

Step Two. Procrastinate. Procrastinate like there are endless tomorrows. Forgo doing what needs to be done and get on with filling your life with trite activities meant to massage that subtly annoying, responsible voice right out of your head.

Work? Who needs work when you have gchat and cigarettes to smoke? Not me. Payroll will get done tomorrow morning; I’m going home early.

Step Three. Alienate. Like shooting prairie dogs with a .22, pick off all those you care about. One by one. Sleep with friends. Owe roommates money. Lie. Yes, lying is key! Make shit up; have fun with it. Do the opposite, but speak only your best intentions. Get drunk to the point where you sleep with a friends sister. Yeah, that will do it! Remember this adage, “If you do not remember it, it doesn’t count.” Say that in bed at night before you fall asleep. If you do not remember, it doesn’t count. Why not try it now? Say this aloud with me, “If I do not remember, it doesn’t count.” Very good. Now go out and give it a try!

Step 4. Seclusion. Seclusion is paramount. Seclusion is the coup de grace for your happy life. There is truth in the phrase “man should not be alone.” In communtiy we thrive. We flourish like wildflowers. In community we can be who we are and people will accept us for that. Assholes or Saints, all are accepted. The beauty is sporadic, exuberant, peaceful, and friendly. That is the choice we make when we say we are doing this together.

Alone we are a shoot in the rainforest grasping for sunlight in vain. It will grow yes, but inevitably it will die. So yes, seclusion is the very last step you must master to live a life of Unimprovement. Retreat into the dark. Struggle in futility. Give in, push everyone away. Let lonliness wash over you for that is what you are destined to be…if you follow these steps.

Apparently I'm "That Guy." You know, That Guy? That Guy who is completely predictable yet a walking contradiction. That guy who is covered in Christian Tattoo's and smokes like a chimney. I'm That Guy who genuinely compliments girls if I notice a new hair style but spent all last year performing my very own form of "Shock and Awe" on the female population of Dallas.

What I'm trying to say is that I have two sides. Not multiple personalities per say, but two characters. No, character is not the right description. Maybe it is like this: Think of Dallas.

Dallas is a city hung up on itself. Name brands and clichés are its game. Women and men alike are seen driving their customized H2's with their Louis Vuitton clutches and their Blue Tooth ear pieces echoing what the Big Green Monster (that's what I call the Skyscraper downtown) is screaming, "I'm Bigger, Better, and Brighter than you!" Sounds terrible right? Well that used to be my perception. That is until I moved to Lakewood.

Lakewood is a haven; a saving grace I stumbled upon like a wardrobe from Narnia. We do not have talking beavers, centaurs, or griffins, but characters nonetheless. Lakewood is another world. A world tucked away, masked from the palpable pretentiousness found all around it. Cyclists own the street as if they are on their very own, overlarge, bicycle path. Lakewood Landing stands as an oasis to all the heat weary walkers to and from Whole Foods Market. The Lightning bugs of spring sparked Life into something I thought dead. My perception has changed. Dallas has hope.

If I am a Dallas or a Lakewood that is for you to judge. The story could be that you see me as Dallas until some magical, charming moment when you realize that I am in actuality a Lakewood. I might however not meet any of those criteria and just be someplace terrible like Fresno California.